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Off Topic -- Week 6 (2017-18 Season)



Week 6 of the 2017-18 season is underway, and Halloween fast approaches Tuesday.  Take a trip down memory lane, as the only thing more frightful than this season's Nielsen drops are these bleak, horrific backdrops and tourist sinkholes:

Image result for halloween 1978 gif1. Haddonfield, Illinois (Halloween)

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Babysitters best lock their doors, and boyfriends best not sneak into their workplace as Michael Myers will make them go under the knife for violating moral codes.  Michael's enforcement holds no bounds, as he is willing to audit the healthcare system and hold doctors, nurses and medics on point.  Trying to sneak a dip in the hospital's jacuzzi?  Forget to moisturize, and he will dunk you until you learn to keep your face composed and body clothed to the highest standards.

2. Springwood, Ohio (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

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An idyllic setting by day, a sleepwalker's nightmare by night.  Freddy Krueger may not be considerate of teenagers' REM sleep cycles, but he does take television serious.  Neglect your favorite shows leading to low demos, or troll on others' wistful delightof an underperforming fare, and he will plunge you right into your television set and let you see how it feels to be bashed on screen.


3. Salem, Massachusetts (Hocus Pocus)

Image result for hocus pocus vacuum cleaner gifJust because you have no concept of how electricity works doesn't mean you cannot enjoy the spoils of television.  This resourceful witch traded in her broomstick for a Hoover, and she can enjoy such classics as Charmed and Sabrina The Teenage Witch.  Pray though she does not have the misfortune of flicking on Quantico, or else she will rue the day she missed the Black Plague and is stuck watching the plague of poor ABC scheduling.
4. Antonio Bay, California (The Fog)

Image result for the fog 1980 gifWhen the babysitter says lights out, she means it.  Her evening engagement has arrived and doesn't take kindly to children hogging the tube.  Go to bed, or their friends will circle the house when their weather system closes in.



5. Harrisville, Rhode Island (the Conjuring)

Image result for the conjuring gifFarm houses receive terrible digital reception, but that is no excuse for turning the lights out before 8:00.  Sneak a game of hide and clap in instead of enjoying your sitcoms, and the ghosts will give you their own frightening taste of what it is like to be a ghost show in the machine.  C'mon.  Is it really that painful watching television on Fridays and Sundays on ABC?  The ghosts will demonstrate greater horrors taking a country evening without your shows.


Related image6. Cuesta Verde, California (Poltergeist)

We may not have smell-a-vision yet (and thankfully cannot smell the putrid ratings of the Exorcist).  But spectacular advances in 3D viewing let you feel what your shows are like.  Don't reach out and touch too much, as your television is looking for guests and occupants to occupy their snowy, vacant channels.  You may wind up stuck in the after hours.  Or worse, scheduled in the 9:30-11:00 hours and feeling the affects of no one being able to hear your cries out of the television.


7. Fairvale, California (Psycho)
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The water pressure in this town is breathtaking.  But that is no excuse to sneak a splash between the hours of 8:00-11:00 and miss the steamy shower scenes on Grey's Anatomy, Scandal or other saucy fares pushing the network envelope.  Norman Bates is an internet lobbyist by day promoting for all networks and does not take kindly to his rude guests running up water bills when they can use electricity to watch the shows he is hired to promote.


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8. Antarctica (The Thing)

The globe's forgotten continent has few forms of entertainment, so lest not talk during Dynasty as Kurt Russell will fire you for being out of form.  His spouse Goldie Hawn has yet to recover from losing her television platform, Laugh-In, and he is determined to keep a captive audience glued to their sets and quiet as he awaits her television return.
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9. Woodsboro, California, et al (Scream)

If you haven't gotten the memo to shut the fork up and let the TV do the talking, Neve Campbell will force you to face the screen to see who is more valuable.  In this town, stuck in the 90's with oversided televisions, that hurts!  Good thing they cannot seem to afford big-screen televisions which weigh more than a Match.com date.

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10. Some town making fun of Woodsboro (Scary Movie)

Won't people learn!?  Get off your outdated phones, or the crowd gets riled up!  Your cell phone is bigger than your remote control and has no mute button for rude viewers interrupting production's finest deliveries.


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11. Wallace University (Scream Queens)

Get the ratings up, or get out!  Lea Michele learned the hard way after her show bottomed out at a 0.4 demo in 2016, as she is trapped in ABC's dreadful Tuesday 9:30 timeslot.


12. Ludlow, Maine (Pet Sematary)

Image result for pet sematary gifScrew television being unsuitable for children.  Television is unsuitable for parents refusing to take responsibility for their kids imitating art.  Get your brats to bed and enjoy American Horror Story.  Or perhaps their impressionable minds will pick up what they see.  Be the boss of what your children watch and don't affect people being able to enjoy their favorite, bloody clever programming.  Kids will eventually begin to behave like this little tyke when they hit their teens, and by then, they are a coveted demographic.


13. Crystal Lake, New Jersey (Friday the 13th or Some Trendy Name)

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Walking out the door and turning your nose up at the TV set?  Like Freddy, Jason has ways to keeping you indoors glued to your sets.  Television shows are not the only entities afraid of getting the ax, as Jason gives rude viewers stepping out for the evening the same blade, tossing them back into the living room and reminding other guests to stay inside and enjoy the networks' production values.

14. Halloweentown (Halloweentown)

Off in another dimension is Halloweentown, where all of the ghoulish outcasts go off to fit in. Just don't be surprised when you arrive and find trolls, witches, vampires, and other frightening creatures! Once you get past that, it's not a scary place. Well, other than the countless people that try and destroy this place and all of its residents.