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Friday the 12th Part 2 -- The Body Count Grows to 8 Cancelled Sitcoms (Week 34 Scorecard Update)



Written Weapon in Hand by Bridger Cunningham
                
                  For viewers who read yesterday’s Sitcom Scorecard, a shocking kill struck ABC Friday tentpole Last Man Standing after six seasons.  Their death was not in vain, as three other sitcoms were spared the wrath of the increasingly mysterious sitcom killer.  Why would they pick off Last Man Standing?  True, it aged and had a laugh track, but it was the networks’ last concerted effort at allowing folks to experience laughs on Friday.  After that moment of silence, everyone hoped the terror was over.  They are right!  Making History and Son of Zorn were cancelled this morning, and ABC dispensed low-rated trio Dr. Ken, Imaginary Mary and The Real O'Neal's late Thursday, as all enter the gruesome story that is the sitcom scorecard!  Now we can enjoy laughs at the expense of sitcoms getting dispensed….



                As notated by the changes on the table, ABC delivered four original entries to gruesome results.  Modern Family scraped the bone with series low 1.6, while the Goldbergs endured a gash of 1.3, tying a series low from 3 years ago.  Speechless took a punch to the throat and delivered a 1.1, and the blackish season finale ticked up to a 1.3, now neck to neck with the Middle and punching pack at the Spring Doldrums.  It appears blackish will finish the season in 7th Place as the Middle has one more airing.  Unless The Middle rebounds to a 1.4 rating on 5/16, they are resigned to 8th Place.  Also, Family Guy has quietly been added to the renewal pack.  As of 5/11, G = renewal, as The Goldbergs and Great News were renewed.  And American Housewife joined late in the ranks, yet may be the screaming heroine dodging the killer who survives.  Now back to the ongoing bloodbath….

                Part I left 16 shows granted a bus pass out of the woods.  5 shows are dead, 1 missing as they ran stupidly into the woods, 4 stranded ABC sitcoms wisely staying in well-lit areas with cell reception, and an additional 8 low-rated sitcoms partying in and by the lake.  The Goldbergs advised all campers to stay close and accounted for, yet only the high-demo folks stayed close for campfire tales of sitcom horrors.  Elsewhere, The Great Indoors and Son of Zorn crafted the brilliant idea of blazing other show’s ratings, 420 style.




                The eldest and wisest sitcom of this back, The Goldberg’s, told the ominous story of what happened at this very lake one year ago in 2016.  While several made it out alive, there were several casualties, including The Muppets, Mike and Molly, Telenovela, among others.  The Real O’Neal’s and Dr. Ken narrowly escaped after dipping too far into the Fractional Lake, yet were on the killer’s radar.  Speechless and American Housewife dismissed this as hogwash, but Fresh Off the Boat vouched the take was true, as they revealed a minor scar from a 0.9 rating last year.  The freshman sitcoms shuddered in fear, then downed liquor to keep warm against the cold Spring Doldrums.

                Holding the biggest bag of ratings was TGI, who siphoned off The Big Bang Theory’s fertile soil and used it to get high vs. get high ratings.  Son of Zorn also followed, having a stash of ratings from Football to smoke.  They offered to Brooklyn 99, who piped “Ahh, what the hell.  We’re not cops, but play them on TV!”  They offered ratings to smoke to New Girl, who bowed out and stated she hadn’t smoked inflated ratings since Superbowl last year. 
                


               The TGI offered Big-Bang ratings to 2 Broke Girls to smoke.  One half of the team, Max, never turns down smoking.  The other half, however scolded this was not the time to have a cloudy head as their fate was uncertain as they had this exchange: 

Max: “We’re gonna be fractional next season, so why not go down enjoying yourself?”
Caroline: “Those ratings  you are smoking belong to the Big Bang.  We have been moved around more than a single guest at a family function, and we have NEVER smoked those lead-in ratings.” 
Max: “You need to get laid by one of these low-rated shows or go sit in the campfire!”
Caroline: “Perhaps I’ll just have Chestnut s—t in your campfire if you keep talking to me like that.”
Max: “Then the campfire won’t be the only pile of talking horses—t tonight.  And I am not referring to those two weaklings on FOX!”
Caroline: “Enough of this.  I need to get cleaned up.  Come with me to the outhouse.”
Max: “No way, I’m not going in that thing.  It looks too much like our apartment, or the spaces CBS puts us in the last 11 times. Just go in the woods!”

                Caroline stormed up the hill angrily as the sitcom killer eyed her and the rest of the pack.  Down on the beach, Imaginary Mary and The Real O’Neal’s approached the group to smoke ratings.  “You have to bring your own supply of ratings.” Snidely piped TGI, who refused to share his TBBT gift with several including Mom and Life in Pieces this season.  “But all we have for a lead-in to smoke was Fresh Off the Boat.”  The pot circle looked at each other and laughed hysterically, turning away ABC’s fledglings, who attempted to assimilate with their ABC pack up the hill.  “And don’t even think of coming over here, Making History.  Everyone knows you have no ratings!”  (Literally) Piped TGI.
                
                Scorned, Making History was not shy about bearing it all, even in the ratings with fractions.  Making History locked eyes with Son of Zorn, flirting the smoked out show up the hill to an abandoned cabin.  They closed the door on the cursed cabin, formerly occupied by Grandfathered and The Grinder who met grisly fates one year earlier.  They forgot to close the door, believing Sunday Shows were safe.  Elsewhere, as the Goldbergs prepared to tell the eeriest campire tales of sitcoms being killed in the woods, their cell-phone rang.  They received a court-martialed sheriff whisking them along with two mystery guests off the damned beach. 
             
                The Goldbergs rounded up the attention of the folks on the beach, stating the sheriff came to rescue them and two mystery parties.  American Housewife and Speechless eagerly rose, but Beverly Goldberg told them to sit down, as they needed to wait with their new nest mother, Fresh Off the Boat.  “Next mother?  More like nagging mother.” Snapped American Housewife, as FOTB smacked them over the head.  “Sit down by the fire and be quiet!” barked FOTB.
                
                The Goldbergs continued “No, these folks are strangers who don’t air on the same night or network as us.”  “Is it one of us?” asked Brooklyn 99.  “No, not any of you dopers who smoke other shows’ hard earned ratings!”  Suddenly, the crowd realized it was Family Guy and either Trial and Error or Great News.  T&E assumed they had the golden escape, but it was GN who took the asylum, as they are a beloved descendent of Tina Fey.  As the three polarly diverse shows acquainted themselves with their sheriff/chauffer, the killer emerged, approaching 2BG’s Caroline at a window as she desperately used the facilities.

Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream pierced the damned campgrounds.  Nearly all the surviving sitcoms raced in to see what had Caroline in a tizzy.  “This place is going to murder me!” She then continued “They have no toilet paper, and all of the toilet seats are covered in sandpaper!  Who is that miserable that they would enjoy sitting on that!?  On top of that, there are rats and roaches running around everywhere!”  “Hey those are our newscasters and TLC Reality Stars.” Corrected New Girl.  They only emerge when bad developments or economic conditions run rampant.  “So if the rats and roaches find us, we’re screwed like a 2000’s party girl on Saturday night?” Remarked Imaginary Mary.  Meanwhile, the unseen assailant sharpened a stick and waited inside the barn.Image result for no toilet paper

“Alright, that is it folks.  We are going to take shelter for the night, and we will not do it alone.” Declared 2BG’s Caroline.  Caroline grabbed New Girl, then her horse, then her stoned partner by the hair, as well as a stoned Brooklyn 99.  “Inside there, now!” as Caroline pointed to the barn.  “Are you stupid!? That is where people get killed in horror films!” the crowd screamed.  “I have a horse.  Max has a ‘Kill Me, I’ll Kill You Twice’ attitude.  New Girl has whit and good vocals, and Brooklyn 99 is armed at all times.  We are barricading ourselves in the barn for the night as we have a plethora of weapons in here!”

“Shouldn’t we stick with our networks?” asked Max.  “Do you really want to spend the night with ‘The Great Indoors?’  I’d rather go back to Brooklyn and sleep with Oleg!” sniped Caroline.  “Good point!” Max agreed.  “Besides, we shows are the oldest and most mature of that pack of hooligans out there.  We need to stick together.” Observed New Girl.  The three veteran shows boarded up their barn, taking shifts as their fate would likely be announced last.

Elsewhere, the remains of the campground split in two.  FOTB ordered the ABC freshman pilots to join them in a secured cabin with guaranteed cell service and a plan of escape if a sitcom killer targeted another ABC show.  The remaining four shows – The Great Indoors, Imaginary Mary, The Real O’Neal’s, all decided to hang out on the beach as their three networks appeared to have diminishing value for them.  “Who wants to smoke some more Big Bang? “Asked TGI.  “That is okay, I have a little stash of The Voice left.” replied Trial and Error.  “We’ll take it.” Said the ABC shows.  “We only had lead-ins for one episode of the Goldbergs.  We would like to feel what it is like to smoke other shows’ ratings inflations.

The twelve parties remained divided in four, and the killer approached the door of one cabin.  Was it the ABC ladies?  The aging veterans?  The dopey shows smoking others’ ratings?  Or the FOX Sunday shows doing the nasty in their cabin?  Well, duh.  The ABC shows fight back.  The vets have to last longer this week, and the dummies on the beach do not have a door.  Guess who….

As Making History and Son of Zorn stripped down the fractions eons ago, they barfely noticed a door opening in their cabin.  “Did you hear two former FOX shows were murdered, right in this cabin a year ago?”  Commented Making History.  “Nothing to worry about.”  Said Son of Zorn.  “Those were Tuesday shows.  They haven’t cancelled a Sunday show in a long time!”  As the two engaged in the oldest form of entertainment, Making History noticed someone standing over their bunk with a long object.  The set of hands had a broomstick sharpened at the end.  “Oh S…..” said Making History as the figure shish kabob-ed the FOX shows through the bunk, ending their leaching reigns on the schedule.
Image result for bloody broom

As the killer exited the FOX cabin, they had plenty of carnage to carve through during the night’s remains, as 10 shows remained at risk.  The vets and ABC gals remained behind locked doors, so the sitcom killer took aim at the beach dwellers.  After the nonsensical fractions party grew stale, The Real O'Neal's and Imaginary Mary decided taking shelter in a cabin all too late in the game.  The ABC gals told the duo to drop dead, so they went to the OTHER ABC cabin where Dr. Ken was staying.  They noticed the place was a disheveled mess, yet they locked the doors and looked around.  As The Real O'Neals decided to examine the closet space in the cabins, the corpse of Last Man Standing fell out.  Both panicked and screamed, as IM decided to run out the door.  Greeting her was the gruesome killer, who swung an axe into her chest.  The Real O'Neal's belted out a scream, but it no one could hear their scream for help.  As TRON was backed into the corner, they found the corpse of Dr. Ken on the bunk, and the killer took aim and swung the axe down....

Over in the adjacent ABC ladies cabin, American Housewife received word they were renewed and help was on the way.  She cheered in joy, but before she could exit the cabin, FOTB ponted out the window and saw a shadowy figure holding an axe.  She was left in peril with the cabin remains....Image result for friday the 13th - ax

And then there were victims eight...

Body Count: 8

                ABC -- 4 -- Last Man Standing, The Real O'Neal's, Imaginary Mary, Dr. Ken.
CBS -- 1 -- The Odd Couple
FOX -- 2 -- Making History, Son of Zorn
NBC -- 1 -- Powerless

RENEWED: 19

                ABC -- 6 -- Modern Family, The Goldbergs, Speechless, Blackish, The Middle, American Housewife
CBS -- 6 -- The Big Bang Theory, Mom, Life in Pieces, Superior Donuts, Man With a Plan, Kevin Can Wait
FOX -- 4 -- The Simpsons, The Mick, Bob's Burgers, Last Man On Earth
NBC -- 3 -- The Good Place, Superstore, Great News

Fate in the Air -- 7

                ABC -- 2 -- Speechless, Fresh Off The Boat
CBS -- 2 --The Great Indoors, 2 Broke Girls
FOX --2 -- New Girl, Brooklyn 99
NBC -- 1 -- Trial and Error