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Week 32 Sitcom Scorecard -- Save the Network Planet, Do the Math!

Written Without Wasting Trees By Bridger Cunningham


Earth Day is upon the masses, as Americans enjoy adding holidays to the calendar.  As millions trend to doing our planet justice, production studios are working feverishly to show the big four airing sitcoms that their show is good for the network environment.  Nielsen erosion continues to drive down network resources, as expected.  Several shows wisely hit the storm cellars to avoid mother nature's cruel wrath on Spring ratings, leaving 11 shows affected as they were strewn across MondayTuesday and Thursday.  Of that meager number, six shows tied their series lows, yet avoided registering new bottoms.  Most notably is absent ABC Wednesdays and CBS Thursdays resorting to reruns to spare it sitcoms and leave the Spring Doldrums to viciously bash and devastate fractional reality platform The Amazing Race.  As previously mentioned, The Simpsons and Goldbergs will have a close race for 3rd Place, but new competitions are emerging.  After a disastrous 1.1 showing on 4/17, Kevin Can Wait is now inches away from absent Speechless, only .01 demo points from deciding 5th Place.  Blackish again bested a soft Middle for 7th place via absenteeism, and American Housewife and The Great Indoors continue to jockey for 9th Place with AH losing this week.  The race is anticipated to continue as the Tuesday comedies will earn a deserved week off after enduring low Spring ratings.

Further down in the Middle of the Pack, 2 Broke Girls finished the season with a 1.30 rating for the season.  It is suspected it will rank 13th for the season when Family Guy returns.  Son of Zorn was wise to quit early, as it is currently locked in a 3-way tie with Man with a Plan and Life in Pieces.  MWAP and LIP will continue to descend if the doldrums do not let up, yet will vie for 16th place, finishing between 1.23-1.25.  Superior Donuts is counting its renewal blessings, and the fact it only needs to air two more episodes for the season, as the ever durable Fresh Off The Boat is holding its ground a mere 0.02 away with a 1.21.  Projections have the two shows finishing 1.19-1.20 and vying for the 18th place sitcom of the season.  Superstore took a hit last week with the doldrums hitting later, yet is doing fine.  It may fall below Last Man Standing's concluded run, yet will finish in the Middle of the Pack.  And The Mick took the week off, as it has 2 more episodes before finishing the season.  Like Superstore, it will finish in the Middle of the Pack, surely as the range's delta.

The Anemic range continued projected movements as Imaginary Mary remained most of its previous average due to a 0.9 uptick.  Brooklyn 99 again tied its series low and inched down to 0.97 season average, and Last Man on Earth wisely took the week off.  Trial and Error ended its burn fast, end cool run with a 0.93, incidentally in a three-way tie with fellow concluded sitcoms New Girl and The Real O'Neal's.  And Powerless again drained the Abyss' battery with a paltry 0.6 rating, now resting in the delta of the Abyss.

Networks retained twelve sustainable sitcoms which they see fit to improve the television soil, and eight more shows are all predicted 90-100% viable for an enriched landscape.  So where does that leave the remaining fourteen sitcoms which will premiere before the close of May Sweeps?  One has yet to prove its environmental contributions and will begin doing so on Tuesday 4/25.  Four shows are deemed 70% positive to the television ecosystem, another five poise 45% positive effects against erosion, and two possess limited environmental benefits at 20%.  The remains have been deemed toxic, as one show possesses 5% positive environmental impacts, and the last has been deemed toxic and dispensed by CBS bio hazard cleanup crews.  We know why shows which are renewed, 100% environmentally friendly and 90% beneficial to the network environment are chosen, so let's examine the ecological effects of the remaining 14 shows:

70% Chance of Renewal -- Wholesome and Sustainable, Yet Anemic

Four shows have been classified in this category -- Brooklyn 99, Last Man on Earth and New Girl from FOX, and Dr. Ken from ABC.  The three FOX helpings rate between 0.93-0.97, outranking several failed dramas which dropped to cold ratings as low as 0.5.  Two have syndication deals in place, and the third is inching closer to the syndication line.  All would benefit the FOX ecosystem's poor Sunday and Tuesday ratings, yet environmentalists caution diminishing Nielsens may leave FOX's Nielsen soil depleted.  New Girl amassed an impressive 136 episodes over 6 seasons, yet would likely gasp its last Nielsens if picked up for a 7th season of any length.  Brooklyn 99 has creative enrichment on its side, yet has delivered mild returns in recent weeks.  And LMOE has large strides to go before syndication environmental benefits.  Nielsen Scientists, however, have noted it favors higher ratings than fellow Sunday Night deliveries Son of Zorn and Making history without inflation.  And ABC's Dr. Ken is the network's lowest-rated sitcom to date.  DK's environmental benefits are decent LMS soil retention in the network's hillside Friday 8:30 timeslot.  DK has reached the coveted 50-yard line for syndication dollars to enrich ABC soils, presenting environmental returns in a rumored ABC sitcom ecosystem expansion.

45% Chance of Renewal -- Diminished Environmental Returns

Five shows make up this landform -- ABC's partial Imaginary Mary, CBS's 2 Broke Girls, FOX's partial episode orders of Making History and Son of Zorn, and NBC's partial Trial and Error.  So why are these classified shows deemed less environmentally friendly?  Imaginary Mary has sustained the performance of its environmental predecessor The Real O'Neals against Spring Doldrums, yet had its episode order reduced to 9 entries.  The Spring sturdiness is working in its favor and too may present the network with another option for sitcom ecosystem expansion.  Factors working against are the long generations needed for environmental returns and lack of faith by mother nature ABC.  2 Broke Girls has amassed an impressive 138 episodes over 6 seasons, yet is an invasive species introduced to native CBS by another studio.  It performs the same environmental benefits as 3-4 of its current network counterparts, yet may cost too much money in environmental reports to native Warner Brothers to retain the benefits.  Benefits working for its renewal are a declared story arc and predictable ratings.

Son of Zorn finished the season with a (now) healthy 1.28 18-49 demographic, likely placing 14th of the 34 sitcoms which aired.  However, Zorn was enhanced with Football steroids to its plant structure, ranging in deliveries from 0.6-2.4.  It has a meager 13 episodes and may present minimal environmental returns in the fall.  Making History has scientifically proven low in Nielsen nutrients, yet covered the infertile post-Football landscape without steroids.  A limited run works against producing this plant species to cover the vast FOX wasteland, working against.  And NBC's Trial and Error burned fast as a Nielsen fire starter like flint during the first half of its run, and failed to ignite a spark after April showers doused its stony value.  It retains marketability once the Spring Doldrums reside, but where will NBC find value in an uneven rock wedged in its Nielsen-rich forest ripe with successful dramas?

20% Renewal -- High Potential for Network Environmental Damage

ABC's The Real O'Neal's and CBS' The Great Indoors consumed network resources with minimal returns.  TGI took over CBS' rich soil that is the post-TBBT fertile timeslot and delivered less than 48% Demo vegetation returns over the fire-rich soil.  Such environmental hot-spots may have launched the next generation of sitcoms or sustained existing shows.  While high in Nielsen deliveries, its value diminished from 80%, steeply to 55%, then gradually to 45%.  And after CBS announced it has been removed from fertile soils to ordinary sands effective 4/24, it steeply reduced in value to 20%.  Unless it shows (unlikely) improvements for its last showings, it has been deemed detrimental to CBS network soil.  And The Real O'Neal's was given multiple opportunities to enrich derelict deserts.  Last year on Tuesdays at 8:30, and this season at 9:30.  100% environmentally beneficial Fresh Off The Boat also moved to deserted soils and retained its environmental value, showing minimal returns.  To insult performance further, neglected Imaginary Mary has matched O'Neals' performance during Spring Doldrums, stifling out potential return grounds.

5% Renewal -- Toxic to the Network Environment

Powerless may have spun it consumes less of its natural environment, but it also damaged the previously regenerated NBC sitcom block.  Weekly deliveries emit toxic Nielsen returns, with the network calling in environmentalists from the scheduling department to eradicate this natural scourge.

CANCELLED -- Previously Beneficial, Now Causing Nielsen Cancer

The Odd Couple appeared a mild hit to CBS, featuring a marquee star from the 90's.  Had environmentalists seen the detrimental effects Matthew Perry's previous sitcom attempts did to the natural environment similar to Sean Hayes, they may have viewed the Odd Couple like asbestos.  Once disturbed, it poisons the networks' breathing apparatus.  Odd Couple plagued CBS with its first dose of sitcom fractions this season, leading the surgeon general to ponder if their poor performance hangs over Monday sitcoms'  studios like asbestos-laced cottage cheese ceilings leading to 1.0-1.1 Nielsen performance.

Coming Next Week: Week 33's Theme will be "Speak Easy and Carry a Big Stick", discussing the code words the 21 shows seeking renewal will need to become familiarized with to earn their renewal ticket.  Also, May Sweeps begin Thursday 4/27.  Lest pray the Doldrums retreat to the murky waters and leave our beloved sitcoms in peace.