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Excuses: Why Our Shows Rate Poorly

Oh Smoo! Why is my show doing badly? Here's a list of some excuses: 
1. My show aired against the world series.
2. People were so excited about the upcoming holiday in two weeks, they decided to keep the TV off.
3. They don't give my aging shows enough promotional material.
4. My shows don't stand a chance because they air on NBC.
5. My shows don't stand a chance because they air on Fox.
6. Everyone knows Nielsen has it out for the CW.
7. CBS keeps moving my favorite show like a Chinese Fire Drill.
8. ABC crippled my shows because their sports coverage is limited.
9. My show airs opposite the Walking Dead.
10. Nothing rates well against Empire.
11. Taraji Henson's new hairdo may be beautiful, but over two million people tuned out because of the change.
12. blackish's ratings performance was harmed because Empire features a stronger and more popular and powerful leading black actress.
13. My show didn't receive Empire's leading website and cannot break a 1.0.
14. My show didn't get a plum timeslot following The Voice.
15. Too many activists are criticizing the Muppet's risque topics.
16. ABC's ill-fated decision to sell commercial airtime to tampon commercials during Marvel's Agents of Shield detracted from its male fan base.
17. TGIT shows suffered as ABC sold advertising for beer and Viagra commercials.
18. My show skews too liberal and is being written by Democrats with an agenda.
19. Someone from Donald Trump's camp is tampering with the writing and ruining my show with pro-Republican propaganda.
20. ABC sold too much air time to Right Guard, Secret and Axe Body Spray, snuffing out Blood and Oil's signature BO scent, driving viewers away.
21. Global warming thawed Once Upon a Time's Frozen solid ratings.
22. My show has a back-9 order this season, so ratings really don't matter.
23. No one stays up till 10pm anymore, so who wants to watch the last show of the evening?
24. I was going to watch Revenge, until I got high... Oooh.... I was going to get up and watch the channel, until I got high. Now my show is cancelled and I know why... Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high, ladidada.....
25. ABC's repelling decision to do full-rear nudity permanently scarred Tuesday evenings, and no one tunes in on this night to this day because of the PTSD of seeing Dennis Franz' arse.
26. Jane gave birth, so she cannot be a virgin and voided the show's premise.
27. The Simspon's 27th season hasn't updated the animation.
28. My show airs on Fridays.
29. Sports and the Walking Dead are ratings vampires for Sunday shows.
30. Nashville's producers didn't employ enough Tennessee natives for their show.
31. The Kardashians aren't advertising my show enough.
32. The Good Wife doesn't bake enough cookies.
33. Nevada brothels are offended by Madam Secretary's title, which belittles their administrative assistants.
34. The Blacklist cannot survive without the Voice feeding it.
35. My sitcom is an NBC scripted show. A 0.7 is a ratings hit on their network.
36. Seniors who watch Dancing with the Stars are fed up with Polydent and Depends commercials saturating airtime (no pun intended).
37. Nashville is far too popular and is solid competition for Code Black.
38. Castle's drop in the ratings harmed NCIS: LA's ratings, and Castle is sinking CBS Mondays.
39. An ill-advised decision to sell airtime to the Orkin Man exterminated Scorpion.
40. Planned Parenthood made viewers realize the dangers of sex, and 2 Broke Girls lost their audience who loved their sexual humor.
41. Vegan is in, and Bob's Burgers is so 2010.
42. BO's stinky ratings harm Quantico as a lead-in.
43. Smirnoff advertised during Mom, a show which needs to abstain from drinking.
44. My CW show won't be cancelled because the network gives all shows at least 44 episodes.
45. My show is cursed to be on ABC at 10pm.
46. My show is cursed to be on CBS Sundays.
47. My show is cursed to be wrongfully renewed on the CW.
48. My show is cursed to not air next to Empire on Fox.
49. My show is cursed by the letters N...B...C....
50. No one wants to watch John Stamos on Grandfathered as he is clearly older than 50 and viewers only want to see leading men between 18-49.
Would you like to add more material? Send me your pitiful excuses why your show rated so poorly this week!